Understanding Teen Defiance

What Is Defiance? 

It’s normal for teens to challenge and test us, but when rules and authority are disregarded to your teen’s detriment, it is a sign of a more serious issue.  

There are many causes for some of the symptoms of defiance, such as the death of a parent or loved one, abuse, depression, and trauma.

Some red flags that could signal you have a defiant teen on your hands include: 

• Drops in grades and/or skipping school 

• Refusal to complete chores, participate in family and community events 

• Becoming physically threatening to parents 

• Zero concern for authority or consequences 

• Refusing to follow social norms and boundaries

• Inability to regulate emotions or control temper

• Becoming easily frustrated and irritable

• Engaging in conflict with authority regularly

• Blaming others for their mistakes, refusing to take ownership of actions

• Is vindictive or spiteful at least twice in the past six months

• Antisocial behavior, or difficulty maintaining personal relationships

• Impulsive behavior

• Substance use 

Defiance in teenagers may also coincide with depression, anxiety, ADHD, learning disabilities, etc. 

 What Is Normal Defiance?

Normal defiance includes anything that represents the teen’s struggle with wanting to be an adult and have certain freedoms. Teens will also commonly test their boundaries and limits and see how much they can get away with while challenging and questioning every rule that is in place that they disagree with. This is normal. 

Teenagers are physically turning into adults, but their prefrontal cortexes have several more years of development. This means they can be more compulsive, and their behaviors can be governed by their emotions or current fleeting notions, with less regard for the “big picture” or long-term consequences.

Teenagers want the privileges of adults without having yet learned through experience how to handle such trust and autonomy. They may want to stay out late with their friends, be free from parental supervision, experiment with drugs, alcohol, and sex, and do anything else that piques their interest. 

All these things can have detrimental consequences, so teens need rules and structure from parents and authority figures. When teens are outright defiant against all rules and social norms, this signifies a problem. 

Families with Defiant Teenagers 

Having a defiant teenager can put considerable strain on the family unit, especially if there is already conflict in the home. Parents are legally responsible for their teens, so having a teenager who is causing problems with the law and is aggressive or physically threatening can present a challenging situation for parents to endure. This situation can cause parents and families to feel helpless and not know how to control things. 

Firm and decisive action on behalf of parents and guardians is necessary when dealing with a defiant teen. Setting firm boundaries is crucial and especially needed when other children are in the home. Since defiance can often be triggered or perpetuated by conflict, trauma, or abuse, it may be necessary to engage in some family therapy sessions to unpack some of the possible issues that are occurring in the home and how everyone can best help one another cope and communicate in a healthy way. When families come together to share, listen, and support one another, it can be healing for all involved. 

Raising a Defiant Teen

If you have found yourself raising a defiant teen, it’s important to know that this does not mean that you are a failure as a parent. It does not mean your child is damaged beyond the point of help. 

There are a variety of reasons why your child may be acting defiant, and some of the more common reasons include trauma, abuse, conflict in the home, bullying, or the death of a loved one. 

Strong rules and boundaries, consistency, and decisive action are the best strategies for dealing with a defiant teen. 

Parents must pay close attention to their parenting habits and skills when their son or daughter is defiant. Some parenting tips to help manage your defiant son or daughter include: 

• Set clear rules, boundaries, and expectations. There cannot be any question in your teen’s mind about what is and is not appropriate behavior in your home, in school, with you and family, and with others.  

• Have your teen sign a contract. Write your rules, boundaries, and expectations on paper as a contract, and have your teen sign it.  

• Earn privileges by following rules, lose them when rules are broken. Allowance, going out with friends, driving, television, phones, computers, tablets, etc. should be considered privileges that can be removed if rules are not followed.  

• Do not respond emotionally. Be direct and to the point. Staying in control of your emotions prevents parents from having angry outbursts that can do more harm than good. Do not empower your teen by giving them the pleasure of manipulating your feelings and emotions or riling you up. 

• Choose your battles. You must not argue with your teen over everything to show your authority. Choose your battles wisely, and do not budge or compromise on important issues. Your teen will start understanding what is expected and the limits. 

Strategies to Try at Home

It can be difficult to watch your teen struggle, and it’s only natural to want to help them or fix the problem somehow. Unfortunately, our kids will face some things in their lives that we cannot fix as their parents. The good news is that some strategies parents try at home can help them comply and adopt healthier behaviors.  

The first thing parents can do is identify the root cause of the problem. Talk to your teen and ask them what is going on. Do not show anger, criticism, or harsh words when doing so. Instead, take your teen to a comfortable and safe space for them to talk and open up without any external threats. Do not show any judgment; instead, give them unconditional positive regard. Try to hear them and understand what they have been going through.  

Do not pry. Let them know that you are there for them to talk and that you’ve noticed a change in their attitude and behavior that concerns you because you don’t want it to negatively impact their well-being. 

Connect regularly with your teen and let them know you are there for them for support, to talk, and to share quality time and conversations together.  

If needed, make therapy a requirement for moving forward. Ensure your teen keeps up with all therapy sessions, including group or family sessions. It’s also helpful to have a structured daily routine for your teen; an ideal schedule is full of opportunities to engage with others and positive activities.  

Take the suggestions that resonate most with you, your teen, and your family situation, and form a game plan. Each case and teen is different, and some circumstances are worse than others, so it’s important to do what is best for your family when forming the plan. You may need to exercise some out-of-the-box thinking and try various approaches until you find the most effective method for managing your teen. 

When to Get Help

If your teen is exhibiting warning signs of defiance, it’s never too soon to intervene and start therapy sessions to help get them back on the right track in life. The teen years are delicate times of personal growth and development, and sometimes, the behaviors, coping skills, and patterns formed during these years can last well into adulthood, presenting greater challenges. 

Defiant traits do not have to become a life sentence for a life spent in and out of jail or with an inability to hold down consistent employment. When teens get the right kind of treatment and care to help them overcome these struggles, they are more likely to lead successful lives as students and adults entering their chosen careers.