Addressing Disrespectful Behavior in Teens: A Collaborative Problem Solving Guide for Parents

Parenting a teenager can be challenging, especially when they exhibit disrespectful behavior toward their parents. As teens assert their independence and test boundaries, they may engage in behaviors that feel hurtful or disrespectful to the adults in their lives. Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS) offers a constructive approach to addressing these issues by fostering empathy, communication, and collaboration. In this follow-up blog, we will explore how parents can use CPS to better understand and respond to disrespectful behavior in their teens, with examples of the conversations involved.

Understanding the Roots of Disrespectful Behavior

1. Recognize the Developmental Context:

Teenagers are going through a period of significant growth and change, both physically and emotionally. Disrespectful behavior can be a manifestation of their struggle for autonomy, identity, and independence.

2. Embrace Empathy:

Approaching disrespectful behavior with empathy involves validating your teen’s emotions and perspectives, even if you don’t agree with them. This approach fosters trust and mutual understanding, paving the way for collaborative problem solving.

The CPS Conversation in Action

Example 1: Disrespectful Language and Tone

Step 1: Empathy

• • Parent: “I’ve noticed that you’ve been using a disrespectful tone and language when speaking to me. Can you help me understand what’s going on from your perspective?”

  • Teen: “I don’t know, I just get frustrated sometimes and feel like you don’t understand me.”

Step 2: Define Adult Concerns

• • Parent: “I understand that you feel frustrated and misunderstood. My concern is that disrespectful language can damage our relationship and make it more difficult for us to communicate effectively.”

Step 3: Invitation to Collaborate

• • Parent: “What do you think we could do to improve our communication and avoid using disrespectful language?”

  • Teen: “Maybe we could try using ‘I’ statements to express our feelings and take a break when the conversation gets heated.”

  • Parent: “That sounds like a good plan. Let’s commit to working on our communication and being more mindful of our language.”

Example 2: Disregarding Parental Authority

Step 1: Empathy

• • Parent: “I’ve noticed that you’ve been ignoring my requests and disregarding my authority as a parent. Can you help me understand what’s going on?”

  • Teen: “I feel like you’re always trying to control me, and I just want some independence.”

Step 2: Define Adult Concerns

• • Parent: “I understand that you want more independence, but as your parent, I have a responsibility to keep you safe and guide you in making good decisions.”

Step 3: Invitation to Collaborate

• • Parent: “What do you think we could do to find a balance between your desire for independence and my role as a parent?”

  • Teen: “Maybe we could have a weekly check-in where we discuss any concerns or decisions we need to make together.”

  • Parent: “I like that idea. Let’s schedule a time for our weekly check-ins and work together to create a more respectful and collaborative dynamic.”

Collaborative Problem Solving offers a valuable approach to addressing disrespectful behavior in teens by fostering open communication, empathy, and cooperation. By engaging in these conversations and working together to develop mutually beneficial solutions, parents can support their teens in navigating the challenges of adolescence and developing healthy communication habits. By following the steps and examples provided in this blog, you can empower your teen to take responsibility for their actions and foster a more harmonious and respectful family dynamic.